Sex is complicated enough as it is — postpartum sex, or any sex after kids really, is a whole ‘nother layer of complicated. Trying to get your groove back after you’ve recently pushed a human out of your vagina, had one cut out of your abdomen, or even welcomed said human via adoption can feel beyond daunting. As a parent, suddenly, time is your sex enemy, not your friend. On limited sleep, with limited minutes between fulfilling the ever-increasing demands of parenting, how on earth are you supposed to muster up a libido, let alone actually locate your partner and fit in an orgasm or three? O, sex. How we once loved thee.
Plus, throw a postpartum body into the mix and you’re dealing with even more complications, from potential postpartum sex pain to just-plain anxiety about all those (totally normal) body changes pregnancy and childbirth likely threw at you. So what’s a sex-starved new (or old) parent to do to squeeze in some post-kid sexy time? We asked those who’ve really, truly been there: the moms.
Below, real moms share their top tips for sex after kids, whether that’s postpartum, post-sleep-regression, or post-middle school. Regardless of where you are on your journey, there’s no judgment — only good solid postpartum and parenting sex advice these moms really, really wish they’d gotten before they had kids. That and lube. There’s always lube.
Schedule it, even in the shower
Nicole Vasco of The Mompreneur Project urges parents to remember that “postpartum sex is different for every mom. For some, it’s painful, for others, its more pleasurable than pre-kids. Either way, don’t compare yourself to other moms and feel pressure to get back in the sack before you are physically and emotionally ready. Childbirth, as joyous as it is, is a traumatic experience on the body. Make time for sex. [It can feel like having sex] should be a ‘lovemaking’ experience, but sometimes you also just want to feel pleasure, release tension, and have good sex! That’s why it’s important to make time for it. Whether you have to schedule it in or seize any naptime as a sexy opportunity, make it a point to have sex. You can easily fall out of practice and rhythm if you don’t. Have sex when you have the most energy. That is usually in the morning or early afternoon. Even sneaking in a mid-day shower sex romp is good. From experience, if you leave sex to night time, you won’t have the energy and will fall asleep.”
It might hurt at first. Be patient, not pushy.
Cheeia Xiong of Notes By Cheeia says, “I wish someone told me that postpartum sex will be less enjoyable and completely different in many ways. Physically, the first six months…sex still hurts! Sex made me feel like a virgin again, and I hated that feeling. Maybe because I just had a 6lb baby and my vagina was still healing? But it was awful! I also started bleeding after having sex again — really bad bleeding! I was so scared that I called my doctor. The first thing she asked me was, ‘Did you have sex?’ and I actually lied and said that I didn’t, because I was ashamed. Even after four months I couldn’t tell her I was having sex already! Also, I don’t remember anyone telling me that I was going to bleed?! Another thing I struggle with was how to find time for sex: Do we wait for baby to sleep or do we keep her in the other room because she won’t know anyway? We started scheduling a time to have sex, and that was another thing I didn’t realize would happen as well. Now, after my body has healed completely, and I’m no longer in pain to have sex, my vagina feels larger, so now I am insecure about having sex because I am not the same girl anymore! Oh the struggle continues…”
Disguise sex as chores. Seriously.
Stephanie Jankowski, of When Crazy Meets Exhaustion, has kids who are ages 6, 9, and 10, which means she does not have a lot of time for sex. “Steal moments wherever you can,” she tells SheKnows. “Indulge when the kids are zoned out on their tablets. Put the lock on the bathroom door to good use! Announce you’re running the vacuum or scrubbing windows on a different floor (kids are allergic to manual labor) and get busy while they happily avoid you! If spontaneity isn’t possible — or if you’re just too damn tired — schedule. Sounds like the opposite of romantic, eh? But we schedule things that are important to us, whether appointments or vacations, so if you need help getting back on the proverbial horse, put something on the calendar and stick to it. Bonus points if you can send the kids to grandma’s for an over-nighter!”
PSA to partners: Women are not doorknobs
Toitime Storr of ToiTime waxes poetic (and laughs) about “Oh, the ways in which sex has changed our lives since having children!” We hear you, Toi. “Before children, I would see my married and single friends complain about how their sex life tanked, and I would state the list of I-would-nevers: I would never have an issue with sex. I would never allow my spouse to be too tired for sex. But oh, the ways we have to eat our words because sex after pregnancy became a challenge! From having a young child wake up in the crib while you are in the middle of some amazing sex to not even desiring it because the amount of time it took to get things started and putting the kids down was too much work. No one tells you that postpartum is just as tricky if not worse than carrying these babies — and I had three recoveries from c-sections. It made me feel even even less desirable than I could have ever thought. I wish I could write a letter to the many men who think women are like doorknobs that they can twist and have all the sex their hearts desire.”
Here are a few types of orgasms you might not even know you could have — postpartum or otherwise.
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