 
|
We just found out we're expecting our first, and I'm overjoyed! The only problem is that my husband isn't very excited. What's his problem?
Armin Brott answers
The short answer to your questions is, "Nothing -- he's a guy!" As flip
as it sounds, it's actually very true. The two of you are going to be on
a very similar psychological journey while you're pregnant. You'll both
experience a huge variety of feelings, emotions, worries and joys, all
of which follow a basic progression from beginning to end. But you won't
be going through the same things at the same time. Your husband -- like
most men -- is generally one trimester behind.
Keep in mind that you have plenty of physical reminders (some more
pleasant that others) that you're pregnant. He has none of that. For
most men, pregnancy for the first trimester is a pretty abstract
concept. He may have had a few brief moments of being thrilled when you
first found out (after all, it's confirmation that he's a fully
functional male), but the whole idea is so hard to grasp that many guys
actually forget about it for a few days at a time.
As the pregnancy progresses, though, he'll gradually come around. But he may still keep his thoughts and feelings to himself. He may be afraid of a miscarriage or some other tragedy and doesn't want to allow himself to get excited only to have his hopes dashed.
You both can expect a jolt of reality when you hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Even though it doesn't sound anything like a real heart at all (more like a fast hoosh-hoosh-hoosh), somehow, having the doctor tell him that it's a real heartbeat -- and a healthy one at that -- will be mighty reassuring. Reality will sink in even further when you get to do some toe -- and finger counting on the first ultrasound.
Here's a rough comparison of where the two of you will be psychologically at various stages of the pregnancy:
First trimester
You
Excited, distracted, some apprehension about the future, some
worries about miscarriage, concerns about the baby's health and safety.
Your husband
Brief excitement, then flat line for a while. The whole thing is just
too abstract to grasp.
Second trimester
You
Turning inward. Decreasing worries about things going wrong with
the pregnancy, but more worries about how the pregnancy is changing your
body. You'll be a little self-absorbed and more concerned about
practical things: Are you going to be a good mother? Can you afford
this? Will you go back to work? When? You may be looking for role models
and could develop a deeper bond with your mother.
Your husband
Excited, distracted, some apprehension about the future. Worries about
miscarriage, the health and safety of your baby and you. Feeling left
out and jealous of all the attention you're getting.
Third trimester
You
Focusing on him. More dependent on him, needing confirmation
that he loves you, that he finds you attractive, that he's not going to
abandon you and the baby, that he's going to be an involved dad.
Your husband
Turning inward. Less worried about health and safety, more concerned
with practical things: What kind of dad is he going to be? Where will he
find role models? How can he possibly afford this, especially if you
quit or take a few months (or years) off work? How will this affect his
life? Will he ever be able to balance work and family? 