Imaginary playfriends

Mimi O'Malley

Creating relationships
Karen remarked when her now 15-year old son was four, he had a stuffed monkey named Danny, which he started to carry around with him. He pretended Danny was his real brother. "We went for a walk in our neighborhood, with Danny strapped into the stroller. Some people came up behind us ,of course, assuming there was a baby in our stroller. My son told them, 'We're taking my brother for a walk.' You should have seen their faces when they came to the front of the stroller and saw a stuffed monkey instead of a baby! Guess what we named our No. 2 son when he came along a few years later --Danny!"

The reasons kids create these creative playfriends are as different as the names they give them: Flower, Guppy, Tim or Lydia, just to name a few "notables". During the preschool years, your child's play is evolving beyond simple imitation. Sometimes children will use these imaginary figures to create a parent-child relationship. You can see it when they initiate conversation with their doll, change the tone of their voice, or reprimand their "friend" when he/she has become disobedient.

This pretend play also helps a child deal with a confusing or unfamiliar situation. One mother was anxious to know when her six year-old son's imaginary friend, a red plastic phone, would "disappear." Hoping this "phase" would pass when he started kindergarten, the red plastic phone still serves as a best friend, which maybe useful for a kindergartner.

In other situations, these invisible friends may be a scapegoat or another attempt to get adult attention. Britain's Princess Margaret is said to have used her imaginary companion to avoid blame. Whenever she was confronted by her nanny about having done something wrong, she would place blame on "Cousin Halifax."

Though not all children create imaginary playfriends, why is there a negative stereotype about children who do? Marjorie Taylor, author of Imaginary Companions and The Children Who Create Them (Oxford University Press Inc. 1999) believes one of the earliest papers published on imaginary friends described the children who created them as tending to have a "nervous temperament." Another researcher reported that children with imaginary friends (ages 3 to 16) were described by their parents as having some type of personality problem. After reviewing earlier studies, Taylor believes the studies were flawed; researchers tended to recruit for their studies children who were particularly likely to have emotional or behavioral problems.

Taylor's research debunks some widespread myths about children who create these create playfriends. One such debunked myth is parents with children having imaginary playfriends rated their children as less shy than parents whose children did not have imaginary companions. "Comparisons of children with and without imaginary friends suggest that children who have pretend friends are better able to focus their attention than other children," concludes Taylor. What is still inconclusive is whether children with imaginary playfriends are more or less intelligent or creative than children without imaginary playfriends.

Though most kids abandon their creative playmates theoretically by the time they reach school age, Marilyn Segal, PhD and Don Adcock, PhD, authors of Your Child At Play: Three to Five Years (Newmarket Press,1986) offer a few positive tips for parents of children with imaginary playfriends in their book:

Treat your child's "friend" as a valued member of the family -- learn to address your child's "friend" as a way to enhance communication with your child.

Avoid overloading your child with stuffed animals or dolls -- harder for your child to build up a close attachment if their "family" is too large.

Never underestimate the role an imaginary playfriend can be toward resolving problems -- can be a useful role-playing tool overcoming concerns over babysitters, school, etc.

Though not all children give up their special companions in the preschool years, this type of fantasy play may go underground during the 'tween years. It is not uncommon for imaginary friends popping up for the first time in early adolescence and persist into adulthood. As children get older, the simplistic imaginary friend evolves to become an adult imaginary "world" or fantasy life.

Sometimes, our childhood imaginary friends even creeped back into our adult lives. Dovima, one of the top models of the 1950s, was actually Dorothy Virginia Margaret Juba. When she began modeling, she adopted the name of her imaginary companion she invented as a child when she was bedridden with rheumatic fever.

"In the absence of any other signs of psychological distress, an imaginary companion, in and of itself, does not warrant concern," concludes Taylor. "Relax and enjoy this positive sign of your child's active imagination." Pretend playmates eventually disappear as real friends appear. On the other hand, pretend behavior lets your child communicate his feelings or handle difficult problems in a non-threatening way.