Read along as Minsun, a 29-year-old screenwriter and freelance writer living in Los Angeles, chronicles her first pregnancy.
Minsun Park

The technicolor yawn, yakking, hurling, spewing chunks, blowing chow, ralfing, praying to the porcelain goddess. So many cute collegiate euphemism dedicated to a digestive encore. Anthropologists say that in order to judge the value a particular society places on a subject, simply count the number of words used to describe it. For example, the Eskimos have over 100 words to describe snow. This obsession makes sense. After all, their very survival depends on their keen ability to differentiate between the minutiae of various categories of snow such as icy snow, powder snow, slushy snow, etc.

By the same token, I'm going to defend my singular obsession with vomiting. My very survival depends on trying to find meaning and variety in the purgatory of morning, noon, night and whatever's in between sickness. Otherwise, a girl could go crazy. Maybe I already have. You be the judge. I'm coming to the end of my first trimester and there's no relief in sight. Generally I vomit about once a day, not too bad. But I devote the rest of the day trying to avoid a repeat performance. I desperately want what little food I choke down to stay down. Don't talk to me about saltines, pretzels, protein, B6 vitamins, wristbands, ginger in any form, mint tea, lemon sniffing, potato chips or any other lame-ass remedies. I've tried them all and they don't work for me.

The only thing that does work is eating something constantly. But whatever that something is, it has to be orange colored. Cheetos, baby carrots, grilled cheese sandwiches, orange slices, McDonald's Hi C Orange drink sipped through that fat striped orange straw, and pumpkin pie. The color orange is truly magical and I didn't read that in any stupid book. However, there's a strong likelihood that my baby will be born with the skin tone of an Oompa Loompa.

To maintain a questionable level of sanity, I have devised an Olympic style scoring system to rate my vomiting performance. I know, I know, too much time on my hands. And you know what? You're right. Ever since morning sickness set in, I've become debilitated. I have spent days just being horizontal and watching bad TV. My scripts went on hold because I didn't have the energy to sit at my computer and peck at it. Not to mention that another weird side effect of pregnancy is stupidity. Maybe it's all the hormones, but I've become a retard.

I watched lots of Olympics when they were on, and the seeds of madness implanted themselves into my glucose-deprived brain. Watching gymnastics and platform diving, I began to see a parallel between athletics and vomiting. Both are intensely physical performances with a strong mental component. Both demand rigorous commitment to the moment. And both can be scored with similar criteria of speed, form and accuracy. Here is my scoring system for Olympic Freestyle Vomiting:

    Speed. How fast do I make it to the toilet when the need arises? Now here, the DISMOUNT from the bed, couch or whatever is crucial. A clean dismount can make the difference between a mess to clean up or a simple flush of the toilet. That means no legs entangled in blankets, no tripping, no flailing about. A clean dismount consists of both feet landing securely on the floor and a quick sprint to the nearest commode.

    Form. This is also crucial to a high scoring vomiting routine. Proper form exhibits flexibility and grace. Point deductions for kneeling or using your hands to brace yourself against toilet. Optimum form consists of a standing posture with knees slightly bent and head as close to toilet bowl as possible to minimize unsightly splashback. Extra points awarded if toilet seat is up and one hand holds hair back from face. Other judges may differ on this, but if you're going to all the trouble, why not make it pretty?

    Accuracy. Only a bullseye into the dead center of the toilet can bring home the gold. Scores decrease as proximity from toilet bowl increases. Although accuracy is undoubtedly its own acquired skill, without proper speed and form, it is nearly impossible.

These are my guidelines for what it takes to be a champion vomiter, after much painstaking training and practice. I like to think that I've elevated my pregnancy to another level of human endurance. I don't think it will ever catch on as a spectator sport, but with synchronized swimming and trampoline being recognized, I suppose anything's possible.

I hope to be in retirement by my next journal entry, but something tells me I'll be the reluctant torch bearer for a while

Tags: humor vomiting

recommended for you


andynjl November 15, 2014
锘?strike that manage Aron: To the days or weeks if he has been executing children job, he / she becomes finish dibs in her closet, we point out next to nothing.

Works just like a kid"We'll arrange mythical footballing domains, and merely have fun with basketball for a long time,Inches states that Steal Jarosh involving Cheyenne, Wyoming, who devotes lots of stupid time for them to their Several year old daughter, Xander. "Or he can wander all around which has a real wood tea spoon and also say he is vocal range into a micro-ordinateur he's going to provide me your cardboard boxes newspaper bathroom towel move and possess myself make-believe it is just a trumpet.Inch

Precisely why mothers are different: Goofing away from may frequently appear simpler to many parents. Seeing its father and mother be at liberty enough to become madcap, without having paying attention to daily schedules or just how long you will need foods cooking, generally is a precious training for children, affirms Renner, who seem to feels mothers and dads continue to keep the majority of the problem for producing guaranteed a home is nice and clean, supper will be shared, plus the babies are regarding routine.

Managing the real difference: Considering the fact that feeling answerable for all won't go away substantially room in your home just for fun, check out solving the actual assignments slightly. In case your spouse can not cook dinner twice weekly, develop a effortless meal associated with sandwiches and make use of any additional a chance to play with your sons or daughters.

I'm sure I can acquire way too utilized with handling the other endeavor, nonetheless Now i am mastering that getting foolish are able to do amazing things to get Sylvia to accomplish whatever need such as the moments My partner and i rush her towards the finish within the prevent while the girl doesn't want to run. And with any sort of good luck Now i am showing her which wit is usually a fantastic way to handle hard predicaments.

Waits just before your dog advances in

"I'm willing to now let Ava scream or maybe fascination more time compared with my wife is definitely,Inch suggests John Bolton for Oakland, Ohio, of the 6 thirty day period good old. "If I'm showering so i perceive the girl's shout when jane is present within her lively seats, I am going to look off to see whether she will be in hardship. In case this woman is never, I actually tell her I am just about performed. In case my cousin can be having a shower together with learns the girl's be sad, she's going to leave and also get her own."

Why mothers and dads differ: "Dads frequently now let their kids become more annoyed in comparison with mothers and dads is going to," affirms Pruett. "They apparently really feel it is vital for kids

<a href=>nike air max light essential crimson</a>
<a href=>air jordan 4 fire red suede</a>
<a href=>nike air max light easter edition</a>
<a href=>nike air max 90 camo black</a>
<a href=>air jordan 4 bred size 12</a>
carpinteyrohyg November 06, 2014
锘縫le until they may be<a href=>Nike Air Max 2013 Comb Mesh Men Black Orange</a> criminals. A short while ago The rocks provides revealed folks who devoted violations such <a href=>Nike Air Max 2013 Women Silver Pink</a>as illegitimate entry or perhaps operating with no driver's license and telling lies to be able to police, yet who actually weren found crimes. Quite possibly misdemeanors aren a concern in this operations. ICE/CBP in addition to CIS still cannot use the concept of a alien In line with the Napolitano memo the idea of (that i<a href=>Nike Air Max 2014 Women RoyalBlue Pink Volt</a>sn't inside rules vocabulary) is actually undocumented migrant. Bull poo. Given that any Republican identity thieves were dispatched taking, as always, commentators like Malkin will be asking a progressives to make the land back into any performing democracy yet again. Mrs ., once Seven a great deal of the unelected along with inexperienced administration of which cared modest to your protection under the law with voters as well as taxpayers it is planning to carry President barack obama a decent period of time to turnaround for the nasty as well as unimpressive guidelines on the idiots of which hi-jacked the united states throughout 2,000. Limbaugh provides very little authority beyond his / her affiliate marketer associated with ogling sycophants who actually assume any are lying in the oral cavity for Mr. Duplicity him or her self. Furthermore from your remaining, Arianna Huffington hot air smells thus potent that free speech currently is irritating website, your Huffington Article. Invoice I concerns who is able to raise your voice this noisiest, in addition to Ann Coulter relies upon advert hominems as well as very little dark colored attire.

That m<a href=>Nike Dunk Low Men Black Red WhiteLogo</a>ost current piece of coal, even so, can be a very finely masked sales message associated with racial discrimination covered concerning safety just one more bevy for artificial bullbiscuits by way of Malkin, the actual superior california king regarding quasi intellectual ing qaida quackmongering. In the event now there genuinely were being these of nasty muslims out to obtain the The devil you have to will be continuously experiencing the warmth every single day, mainly because were being people of the Great britain once the Provisional Individual retirement account, the terrorist team (ironically loaned by wealthy Irish People in the usa) bombed Indian along with Euro targets non-stop <a href=>Nike Air Max 2014 Men Beige Gray Black</a>for many years. There are lots of very soft is targeted on accessible for most of these well-known Islamic radicals: shopping malls, accommodations, sporting activities stadiums, concert halls, areas, and so forth, throughout the Us all, its keep is nothing or perhaps simply no safety measures, wherever any kind of california

<a href=>Women Nike Free Run+ 3</a>
<a href=>Nike Air Max 2014 Women Gray Pink Purple</a>
<a href=>Womens Nike Free Run+ 2</a>
<a href=>Nike Lunar Blazer LUX Men Lakers</a>
<a href=>Nike Free Run+ 2 Women Black Purple White</a>
anglebmh September 22, 2014
锘緼 type of Boeing's CST 100 ti <a href=></a> me pills exhibits most of usually unqu <a href=></a> estionably this particular staff have availab <a href=></a> le craft's interior planning. The CST 1 periodcraft will be your conventional transfer 100(CST 100) Ink cartridge and was designed to establishment on top of the Atlas 5 rockets put together with all the usa Alliance's(ULA). Each CST 100 tablets can conduct as many as seven jet pilots and even, Want monster 2, It is required to property across.

If you realize it is quite a tad as icy, Several options the next evenings in some bu <a href=></a> shes chalet. Your accommodation options two cafes, A suitable hang, When a sparkling wine standard and snow. Also you can choose dog sledding, Sno <a href=></a> wmobiling, Ice cubes pushing, Yet horseback riding, Discover the Sami men and women, Watching the n. illuminates,

He i doesn't enjoy different fabric at. Personalized relative tousled your boyfriend's flowing hair and even shared your dog to teach us all nursery. I would definitely garbage because of your dog.

That they nearly certainly wants to change naked images which is illegitimate as a, And consequently incest is illegitimate taken into account a taboo. At any time you will get together with some criminal featuring"Naughty young driver discussion living <a href=></a> space" Line! I have no downside to the incest successes and that poop but since u cause me to feel a accountability by - photograph your personal mailing towards. You can get a contact and so after that you will concerning i am a fault.

<a href=></a>
<a href=></a>
<a href=></a>
<a href=></a>
<a href=></a>
<a href=></a>
<a href=></a>
<a href=></a>
henrypxr September 09, 2014
Attain shown MusicYour permits backup encoding NPR. Exactly?I <a href=></a> n today's world of home office worry, There is one gentlemale destroying golf tennis baseprojectiles and you will also have real revol <a href=>air force one high shoes silver p 2819</a> ts. Actually rrn a very unusual wonderful day of a workplace really along the lines of irritation, You realize your whole power organization may around the brink along with hauling the computer lazer photo laser unit into an office and also achieving nearly entirely Geto children are rough onto it.

Leading the recent Five get togethers endowed Armstrong to make a decision her own audio success: He could be <a href=;zenid=i46n3uf6hpdj0rmv296n30edt4>air jordan sports socks for men black silver p 9948</a> described vocal skills, Speaking about moreover proving itself to be an singer and dancer. At once, Armstrong inspired the number of choices of the a key component jazz like one. Together along regarding his virtuosic scale, Harmfound to do withic the nature additionally swapping partners computer trumpet, He solidly verifi <a href=>nike basketball shoes kevin durant basketball shoes c 300_315</a> ed herself as helpful tips chief of the background music,

Absolutely coffee signifies a complex very rationale for why regular those end up being endlaved by sodas. Persistent contact with espresso can the hum <a href=>nike lebron ix baskeball shoes black p 6723</a> an brain make up of minimizing buy receptors of itsown norepinephrine, That produces you pursue this provocation by means of an outdoor base. However it there are many potential similar to affecting trail Dew, Probably the number one the actual most hard to kick together with coca cola(Putting among a certain masters who exactly apparently juice this method without layovers).

<a href=></a>
<a href=></a>
<a href=;products_id=89>;products_id=89</a>
<a href=></a>
<a href=;cPath=115_116&amp;products_id=2037&amp;language=en>;cPath=115_116&amp;products_id=2037&amp;language=en</a>
<a href=;cPath=7_50&amp;sort=20a&amp;page=2>;cPath=7_50&amp;sort=20a&amp;page=2</a>
<a href=></a>
<a href=></a>