Deepest, darkest fears
I can't believe I'm going to be in labor again someday soon. That reality is really starting to sink in (and I'm starting to get excited about it :-). But... I also have worries. Intellectually I feel very confident, but on a more base level, where irrationality reigns supreme, my imagination runs away with worst case scenarios. There's only one thing I can imagine which would be worse than leaving my children without a mother, and if that happened I'd probably want to curl up and die anyway.
I can talk myself back to rationality when I start scaring myself like that, but no matter how much I know and believe about the safety of childbirth, there will always be anxiety, too. I suppose it would happen no matter how many times I got pregnant. Funny how easily I forgot about these pregnancy anxieties once my babies were safely snuggled in my arms. I know I felt this way with just as much intensity during my other pregnancies, but it's not something I remembered at all when I was no longer pregnant.
On a more positive note, I got my belly casting supplies this week so I can preserve this pregnancy for posterity (which is the only way I'll ever see my body pregnant again). I can't wait to do it, but am determined to wait until January or February. One thing I'm having a bad vibe about, however, is Tony. He is really not into this kind of thing. In fact, we haven't talked about it deeply because I really don't want to know and sex isn't particularly appealing to me anyway, but I'm pretty sure that the pregnant shape really doesn't do much for him. He definitely doesn't get why I would want to celebrate my pregnant form.
On top of that, I'm a perfectionist and he is emphatically NOT and I can just see the huge fight that would erupt during this session, thereby ruining the whole thing for me. Pah. I think I'm going to ask one of my midwives to do it, because she mentioned that she's done them for other moms before. And if she could do it during/after the home visit, that would be just perfect timing, because that is scheduled for the beginning of February.
Oh, and then the other night, Tony was looking at the pictures of other people's belly casts that came with the kit and he said, "That's gross." Oh, GREAT. That clinches it... he is NOT doing this. LOL.
I'm very sure this baby is head down right now anyway (29th week, so I know that could change pretty easily at this point) because for the past couple days I can occasionally feel baby's head resting on the rim of my pubic bone. It's not painful, but a distinctive bone on bone kind of feeling. I don't ever remember feeling that particular sensation with my other pregnancies.
Last month I was worried that the final two months of this pregnancy would drag and drag since they would follow the hustle and bustle of December -- a month I knew would fly by. But I am so completely overwhelmed right now that I'm just trying to survive this month. I'm struggling to stay motivated about what must be done to maintain and having a very hard time coordinating the million and one things that need done between working, organizing for holidays and our jammed calendar of family and social obligations. Things will not ease up all that much next month, but at least the holiday part will be out of the mix.
It does not help having a child who is needing a LOT of attention lately. Hannah Mac is really draining what little coping reserves I have to spare. I just bought the Raising Your Spirited Child book AND workbook set. I assigned Tony -- who generally refuses to read anything not sports-related (argh) -- the chapters on Persistency and Intensity and he is an enlightened man. Of course, even I need to go back and read and reread those chapters to keep my perspective and hopefully keep my temper in check with her, so I don't know how long this enlightenment will last with him. It was very gratifying, however, to see how much better he dealt with HM after reading that stuff, especially because she fits the prototype with such amazing accuracy. Even worse, one could easily determine from reading this that both Tony and I are also what would be considered intense, which makes for a pretty volatile trio (poor, gentle Bailey... hopefully I give birth to a buddy for her who is as laid back as she!). But no wonder we're the yellingest family around :-P.