It's hard to believe I'm beginning my seventh month. Where has the time gone?
I don't know why, but I've had this real sense of urgency over getting things settled and in place. I just keep feeling like I'm not going to have everything done in time. I know my pregnancy hormones are contributing to this somewhat irrational way of thinking. But I do sense this feeling that time is running out. Ahhhh. The weeks are just going by so quickly and though I'm trying to make dents in my to do list, there's never enough time.
Ok, so now that I've gotten that off my chest. I have more confessions.
I've been feeling really apprehensive about having two kids again. Jackson has been like a live wire that explodes with no warning. It actually scares me and I haven't exactly figured out the best way to handle these outbursts. I'm being firm, I'm doing time outs and I'm ignoring his tantrums. Yet they continue. I know, I'm guessing the answer is that it's just par for the course and a normal part of him being two. Can I admit though that it's totally emotionally draining me? At night I close his door to his room, wipe my brow and genuinely breathe a sigh of relief that he's down and I've made it through another day. Yes, it has been a rough week.
I know my hormones must be skyrocketing right now too because I'm just so emotional about it all. On more nights than not I find myself just crying about feeling like I can't handle everything. The smallest things are setting me off too. So I wonder how much Jackson is sensing my emotions and how the impending new arrival may be affecting him too. Then that makes me sad because I think of how much worse it could get when I'm truly sleep deprived and struggling with my attention being split. It just overwhelms me. I know I'll get through it. But right now I guess I'm in a place where it seems pretty daunting.
All in all, the pregnancy is moving right along. I'm being jabbed with greater force and just as much frequency. This little bundle is making her presence known it feels like most of the day and night. But she has this knack for stopping whenever I want Neal to feel. I don't get it. My skin will be popping out under my shirt and then he'll put his hand there and it stops. I wish men could feel what it's like from the inside.
I also wish they could feel the back ache and the difficulty in bending over to pick things up. It would just be nice for them to truly be able to empathize. I've been just moving along not complaining about these things, but tonight I am really sore and I think I know why.
Jackson and I made a Walmart run. There are very few Walmarts out here where I live so I don't get to them very often. I find the store pretty chaotic too. But today there were several things I needed so we headed out.
I made the mistake of taking his stroller instead of a shopping cart. Let's just say I wound up having to test my grace with balancing items stacked on top of his stroller while holding bins in one hand and trying to steer with the other. A few times I had to stop and reload due to everything slipping off the top. I knew what I really needed was a cart, but at that point it was too late, I couldn't push the stroller and the cart.
A lady tried to get someone to help me to my car, but her supervisor told her they didn't have anyone to do it. I didn't ask for help and did find it nice that she took pity on me and tried. It took everything in me to stay cool, calm and collected through that trip. Of course I've already discovered I have to return or exchange several items. That's what I get for trying to do it all so quickly.
Gosh, I'm sounding really negative right now aren't I? I'm sorry. I hate that I'm in this kind of mind frame. Tomorrow will hopefully be a brighter day. We have two birthday parties to go to. One is for a classmate of his and it's a dress up party at Gymboree. It's going to be our first test of whether he can handle all the costumes this year. Last year he was deathly afraid of any costume, even a dinasour at the Disney store. I think he's over that this year, but I'll know for sure tomorrow.
The other party is at a place called Travel Town near Griffith Park where they have real trains the kids can climb on and a small train they can ride on. We haven't been in a long time so he should like it. He's obsessed with Thomas the train right now and that's what he wanted to be for Halloween so it's going to be a 'train-filled' day.
I forgot to mention last week that seeing my friend's baby made me think about the fact that that same baby was tucked neatly in her tummy just two days earlier. I know this is a common fact. But it made me realize I mostly think of my baby as abstract arms and legs that jab at me. I forget to think of her as this little bundle that is completely human in appearance and I'll be holding her on the outside in potentially about ten weeks. I'm both excited and obviously from my earlier ramblings a little nervous. I've gotta go pray to God to give me peace and patience.
I hope everyone is having a great week and enjoying their little babies tucked inside their tummies.
Until next time,