I am overjoyed that I am pregnant and that our last baby is on his or her way, but at the same time I am going through a difficult trial.
It is hard for me to be ecstatically happy about the pregnancy the way I want to be when I know that somewhere, there is a very dear friend struggling with the fact that I am, indeed, expecting a baby. I am carrying an immense weight of guilt, and at this point it's almost overwhelming to deal with. I feel like I'm treading on a delicate precipice between a friendship being ultimately strengthened through this difficult time and losing that friendship altogether.
Sarah and I are more than just friends, and I have to maintain my hold on that to believe that we can overcome this; just six months ago, I almost got pregnant with her baby. It sounds bizarre, doesn't it?
The fact of the matter is that I was her gestational surrogate, and for six months I dedicated my life to trying to help her and her husband, Paul, bring a baby of their own into this world.
The bond that we share is ineffable; I'm not sure that I can't even come near fully describing the depths of the bond that we share.
Now here I am, happily pregnant with my own baby, but still wishing that I was pregnant with hers, and though I know that somewhere inside she's happy for me, I know that she also is wishing that I was pregnant with her baby, and the thought is tearing both of us up inside.
To read Week 5, part 2, click here.
