Sarah, Becky, and I continued with our daily emailing and evening chats, which were for a while, dominated by the topic of our friendship continuing despite the loss of the surrogacy relationship.
Sarah placed another ad on SMO, and she kept Becky and me abreast of the progress she was making, which sadly, wasn't much. I knew how much Sarah still wanted me to be her surrogate, even through everything that we had endured, but she never outwardly asked, though she did state as much several times. As tempted as I was to make the offer again, I just couldn't, still paralyzed by the fear that my body was a complete screw-up.
Finally, Sarah was given a ray of hope. A surrogate who we both knew from online communities offered to be Sarah's surrogate. After getting to know each other better for a few weeks and working out a few kinks with the timing of possible transfers, they were officially matched!
Sarah was over the moon, and I rejoiced with her. She was on her way again, and I prayed with all my heart that the first transfer they had would be the ONLY transfer they needed. I was so happy for Sarah, but it was still very hard on me. How odd, to cry tears of joy and tears of sadness simultaneously.
It was shortly after the matching when I told Sarah of my plans to have another baby. I was scared to tell her, knowing how I would have felt if the roles were reversed. I know that it was hard on her, but still, she remained supportive. We talked about it a little.
I had my insecurities that my body was to blame for the failed transfer, but she also had her insecurities about the quality of her embryos, thinking that maybe her egg quality had been poor. I knew that if I were to get pregnant, it would enhance the fears that Sarah felt.
I never felt that there was an embryo quality problem, but I could more than understand how that would be one of Sarah's concerns. I didn't blame her embryos anymore than she blamed my body, but our self-insecurities were there just the same. Despite those fears, Sarah hoped the best for me as I cycled and calmed me down when I had a slight freak attack over worrying that I wouldn't have any mature follicles.
We didn't talk about the concept of me being pregnant with my own baby as extensively as I had hoped before I got my positive pregnancy tests two weeks ago. I didn't exactly know how to handle sharing the joy that I felt with Sarah when I knew that no matter what she said, she would be feeling a grave degree of loss over my pregnancy.
I was in a complete quandary, and I didn't know how to handle the next week with my subsequent home testing and beta. So I tried to go through with things in a "business as usual" approach, hoping that if I was wrong in handling the situation that way, Sarah and I would be able to talk about it.
I continued with our daily emails with updates of my pregnancy tests and my beta. It didn't take long to read between the terse lines of Sarah's three-word congratulatory responses to realize that she was in complete and utter turmoil. I had a pretty good idea of how she must have been feeling, as I had experienced something similar when my sister became pregnant while she was in high school and I was struggling through my second year of trying to conceive.
Last week's extremely high beta results, I gather, was the straw that broke Sarah's back. I don't know exactly what happened this week, but from what I can tell, conversations between Sarah and Becky (that were not forwarded to me) have been quite tense.
While I backed off to give myself a second to think about how to better talk things through with Sarah, Becky took the opportunity to try to console her. I do know that much. What I don't know is how their conversations played out after that. Becky refused to tell me as she didn't want to upset me (Pregnancy Police already at work), but I could tell that she was rather upset behind it all.
I have no clue as to what was exchanged between the two of them, but I tried to reassure Becky that no matter what Sarah said, it was coming from a place of deep hurt, and that when you hurt that deeply, rational, logical, and fair thought was sometimes not an option.
As upset as Becky was, she didn't fully comprehend how I could be so understanding, but I could understand how Becky could think that way. Not being able to have a baby easily is a mental game that no one should have to play, and no one can fully understand the depths of that pain unless they've been there in some capacity. Even though Sarah hadn't told me, I knew something of how she must be feeling, and my guilt was increased triple fold knowing that I was the cause of it.
Finally, I emailed Sarah expressing my concern for her, and I apologized for anything I had done in the past two weeks that had unwittingly made things harder for her. I told her that I would do whatever it was she needed me to do for her to begin to work through it. I will talk, not talk, listen, or back off and do nothing, but I asked her for some direction. I didn't want to push, but I didn't want her to think that I was apathetic, either.
Sarah thanked me for understanding, and told me that she wasn't sure what she wanted, but was sure that she needed time. I can more than appreciate that. I didn't have any distance or time away from my situation five years ago and it was agony, so if it's time and distance that she needs, then that's what I'll give her. She knows that I'm here for her the second that she needs me, and at this point, there's really nothing more that I can do other than sit, wait, and pray.
So here I am, five weeks pregnant and trying to be happy about it. I am happy, but it's so hard to be when all I want to do is cry all day because I feel that my joy has come at Sarah's expense. I can see things through both her eyes and mine; how am I going to be able to achieve some sort of balance between the two? I do have faith in our friendship, and I have to believe that it's going to take us going back this step to move forward two. I hope she knows how much I love her, and I hope she knows how I hurt for her.