Granted you can only see it when I am kind of leaning back with my stomach muscles flexed, and it does look like a hernia or tumor or other physical abnormality, but it is indeed my baby! I called Colin into the bathroom pointing excitedly to my lumpy abdomen. I don't know if he could see exactly what I could see, but he smiled, kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me.
I haven't gained any weight as of yet, but I'm sure it won't be long now, as I am finally beginning to have an appetite again. It's weird because I need something snacky in my mouth all day long to feel comfortable, but as soon as I get off work and head home I feel so full I can't stand the thought of eating dinner. Maybe it's because I'm eating so much during the day, but it also feels like my belly swells up in the evening, shrinks back down over night, and begins the process again the next day.
I look perfectly un-pregnant when I leave for work in the morning, and waddle with the burden of my belly when I leave in the evening.
Colin's mother told me an old wives tale that I hadn't heard before. She said if you count six months from the day you first feel the baby move, that is they day that you will give birth. She said it worked when she was pregnant with Colin! I lay in bed at night and feel my food churning and follow the bubbles of gas as they float around in my body, determined to detect even the earliest of movements, but nothing more than indigestion has come to my attention.
We sat down to do finances last night and came to the conclusion that me quitting my job after the baby is born just isn't a possibility. We've heard how so many couples just make it work, but I'm not sure what percentage of those woman make the same salary as their spouse. Colin and I both make the same amount of money and one of us quitting cuts our income in half.
Leaving the baby in daycare while we are at work will be the most difficult and painful thing I can imagine. Colin's and my mother both gave up careers to begin raising their children and I always imagined that I would have that privilege too. I can't imagine not raising my child myself, missing out on so much of the early years of his/her life, and I am not sure that my husband understands that.
I feel guilty that if we had waited and somehow planned better, we would've had our degrees and I could've raised our first child the way I feel is best, but we didn't, and now some of our decisions will be forced.