Writer Jennifer Cameron Klein shares her experience of pregnancy loss and the raw emotions a mom and a family can feel.
Jennifer Cameron Klein

Time heals all wounds?
People tell me it will take time. That with time comes perspective and healing.

I don't have perspective. I have an empty uterus and sanitary pads to change.

I don't want perspective. I want it to be two weeks ago when I had hope and optimism and nausea and a baby growing in my belly. I want to be able to change history.

It's been 24, 48, 72, 120 hours since we lost it. Him? Her? Five days, six days. Days blurred together by blood and tears and cramping and flowers sent by my brother-in-law's mother-in-law (got that?).

My mind is muddled with what ifs. My doctor tells me I did nothing wrong. But what if? What if I hadn't been picking up my two year old? What if I hadn't boarded a plane when I was five weeks pregnant to go on a vacation? What if I'd eaten better? What if I had not missed that one prenatal vitamin, even if it did make the nausea worse? What if, well, everything? Would I still be pregnant? Would my baby be growing inside me instead of passed into a bedpan?

What if I had called my doctor immediately when I passed the mucous plug? That was days before the bleeding began. I was in a long inane meeting when I felt something in my underwear. I went to the women's room and there was the smallest mucous plug I could imagine. Less than a dime in diameter, and barely a skim coat of something. The words "mucous plug" entered my head but I pushed them back down deep inside me. No, that's not going to happen. Stop being a pessimist, I told myself. You're going to have a baby in seven months; this is just a hormonal surge or something.

The reality
What if I had called my doctor the night before the bleeding started, when a felt a small whoosh of wet in my underwear while out to dinner? I'd had a heavy feeling in my lower abdomen that day. Not cramps or pain, but heaviness. Pressure. I thought it was just from overdoing it cleaning the house for our overnight guests. Again a trip to the women's room revealed some wet underwear.

But by then it was too late. That probably was what little amniotic fluid had developed in the sac. My membranes had ruptured. Labor was imminent.

Yes, labor. In all I had read about early pregnancy and miscarriage, nothing told me my body was going to have labor and childbirth.

At 3:30 in the morning, I wake up. I felt something in my underwear. I debated with myself. Get up? It's probably nothing. Really. You're overreacting. You're fine. Go back to sleep. It's nothing. OK, just to reassure yourself, get up. It's not nothing. I have no pads; just panty liners and they won't last five minutes. I wake up my husband and change his life, too, with two words, "I'm bleeding."

I was having painful cramps now. Every five minutes. In early pregnancy, these were "cramps." Mere weeks later they would have been called "contractions."

We called the hospital. My doctor was on call, thankfully, the same woman who delivered my oldest son. She knows me. Come in she said. We woke our friends, who didn't know I was pregnant, and told them what was happening. We left our older son in their care and took the little one with us. We arrived at the hospital at 4:35 am. It took less than two minutes after arrival to get the first dumb comment.

Me: I'm 10 weeks pregnant and I'm bleeding.

Nurse: Oops.

Oops? OOPS? This is not some silly accident! This is a loved and wanted and long planned for baby and we're losing it. I already knew it then. I knew it on some deep level since at least the night before.

But I had no presence of mind to say anything. I was too scared. It was all I could do to keep putting one foot in front of the other to go to the exam room.

The nurse wanted a urine sample, and a clean catch at that. There was no way. The bleeding was too heavy. In an effort to at least get the urine, I managed to give her a large blood clot. I didn't know clots that big could form and pass.

There was blood pressure to take, an IV to put in (badly), a pelvic exam and ultrasounds (vaginal). There was blood everywhere. My doctor did her best to reassure me, but admitted that it didn't look good. The pelvic indicated my uterus was small for dates. The first ultrasound shows an irregularly shaped sac and a large bleed at the top of my uterus. The second ultrasound found the fetus in the sac, and they try to date it.

I had to make a decision. Wait and see if I pass the remaining tissue on my own or have a D&C. It could be minutes or hours. I decide to wait.

Time passed and blood and clots continued with the contractions. The clots were the size of baseballs and softballs. Shifts changed, and a new nurse came in. I ask if she could please cut the IV because I need to pee too often and it hurts badly in my arm. The room was out of bedpans and chux pads. She asks how far along I am. Then corrects herself -- "How far along were you?"

She brought me a bedpan and promised to be back in one minute. My husband takes our son for a walk. It's just after 8 am Sunday, March 24, 2002.

I pass the tissue.

Tissue? Fetus.

Fetus? Baby.

Time passes. One minute. Two. Three. The room isn't set up well. I can't reach the call button and the sliding door is closed on the other side of the curtain. If I yell, they can't hear me. I sit in a pool of blood staring at a bedpan full of urine and blood and clots and...my baby.

I don't know how long I sat and stared at it. Too long? Not long enough? I can't remember if I really said goodbye.

She finally comes back and takes the bedpan away. Then they tell us to go home. Some prescriptions. Take it easy. Call my doctor's office for a follow up in a couple of weeks. And that's it. It?

Home to tell our boys what had happened. To rest. To cry. To bleed. To try to get cleaned up and remember where I was before the thoughts were interrupted. To pick up somehow, someway.

I tell myself I am lucky. I got pregnant. I did not have to take shots to try to induce ovulation, nor did I require other fertility measures. I did not learn the baby had no heartbeat from an ultrasound during an appointment during which I was expecting to hear the heartbeat -- then have to wait three days for the D&C to be scheduled. I did not lose the baby at 20 weeks when I could give her a name and see her perfect little body. I did not lose him to an umbilical cord accident at 36 weeks and have to bury him on the day of my baby shower.

Whatever happened with this baby, he/she was not going to be healthy. My body did what it was supposed to do. At least that's what I tell myself before the what ifs start again.

Starting over
I have to relearn how to be around small babies and pregnant women. My next door neighbor pregnant with twins, sister-in-law and best friend all due in the next three months. Playgroup mom with a six week old. The little one ahead of me in the checkout at the grocery store. I have to remember how to be a good mother to my boys, to not burden them with my sadness. I have to remember how to be a good partner to my husband, too, because all I feel right now is need and shadow, but it's not just my loss. It's his, too. This was his baby, too.

Four days after the miscarriage, I go back to the hospital to have my blood count checked, another ultrasound and another pelvic to make sure there is no obvious additional tissue. The simplest tasks exhaust me and my doctor is concerned. Waiting for that ultrasound I have to sit among 10 glowing pregnant women and fill out a form asking for my due date and information about baby's father. I mention the cruelty of this to the ultrasound tech and she replies that they don't do enough ultrasounds of women in my "situation" for a separate waiting area. Even just a bench?

The radiologist that afternoon was the same one who saw me in the ER. She was kind. She saw how pale I was and clearly wanted to help. She commented that I looked as if the life had been sucked out of me. It had, I told her. It had. This baby was very wanted and loved and now it is gone.

I try to go back to normal. Or what I think appears as normal. Exactly one week later we go to a gathering at a cousin's home. Things seem to be OK. I manage to make small talk without saying, "we lost the baby," every other sentence. No one there knows our pain. But then I start to feel dizzy and the voices in the room suddenly seem far away. I retreat to the stairwell and put my head in my hands. I don't close my eyes. When I do I see the blood. We make our retreat. My head is spinning and my legs don't want to work. Hasty good-byes; they look at me funny.

For all the months that we tried to get pregnant, and the short weeks that I was, I wondered if I was asking too much. Too much of life, of fate, of God, of everything. We have two beautiful, healthy children. A home, food, friends. Love. I know this and I am thankful for it. But I do want one more child. Am I asking too much?

We'll try again, my husband tries to reassure me. He says we'll have that hope again. We'll have that feeling of excitement. But we won't, really. We've lost the innocence and even if we are able to conceive again, it won't be the same. There will be fear mixed in.PregnancyAndBaby.com


recommended for you


andygij November 16, 2014
锘縤o developer the government financial aid 1975 to chat away "Love Injures,Inch misused because of the rock class Nazareth. The actual coder appeared depressed. Their girl, he explained, past away exclusively hrs previous in the jet failure.

"Don't the simple truth is, the truth is, love wounds,Inch Insignificant answered. "That cause you should play the following songs."

Mainly because shameless since the sales pitch was initially, the item worked well. 2 or 3 weeks afterwards a song has been around the station's playlist.

"To declare that he / she ended up being the most effective during what the guy would had not been adequate to spell out his particular fineness,Inches reported Jerry Moss, denver colorado founding father of The Files in addition to chair and leader regarding Almo Seems.

However to eliminate his everyday living, Minor had started to re assess his particular nonstop life style. Previously 5yrs, he had leave a medicines that happen to be therefore typical on the market, lower consuming and set the actual tires to the late night having a party.

In 50, attractive yet graying in the wats, Slight got various reasons to lso are verify his / her strategies. His particular several yea<a href=http://rhand.org.tt/Uploads/nike/nike20960.html>nike air max bw ancienne collection</a>r or so marriage possessed been unsuccessful, and his place in the field received decreased coming from marketing key at A Files to some deals professional with Strikes, a new record companies newspaper.

Even though he had cease most of the vices, Insignificant still came across as hooked on women.

"Charlie was a womanizer, no doubt about it,Inch 1 companion claimed. "But you may also express they was obviously a 'personizer' because he did it to help anyone.Inches

Insignificant had been a playboy and also a socialite who seem to showed off her Rolls Royce, Armani meets together with meals during Un Dome as indicating the success within a business notorious for their two extremes and extravagances.

"I'm not necessarily likely to protect Charlie, since he was not a good st,In explained their original colleague Steve Fagot, senior v . p . with promotions for The show biz industry Details. "But your dog enjoyed living far better than any one I've ever regarded.Inches

But Trivial have also been a skilled and hard working hard succor who placed in hard engaging radio coders during pricey dining places and fashionable nightclubs.

"Charles was really a purely natural Pagerank guy,Inches explained Harold Child's, whom chosen Trivial for the inside The early 70's with a good Marietta audio creating enterprise. "He had that folks matter. I am not sure

<a href=http://www.vakantieplaats.nl/application/language/template2.php?moncler-heren-vest-in-dark-grijs-p-588.html>Moncler Heren vest in Dark Grijs Lage Prijs Verkoop Winkel 2014</a>
<a href=http://rhand.org.tt/Uploads/nike/nike24044.html>air jordan doernbecher 6 for sale</a>
<a href=http://rhand.org.tt/Uploads/nike/nike21604.html>air max 1 nike x apc</a>
<a href=http://www.www.vakantieplaats.nl/application/language/template.php?moncler-heren-omlaag-hooded-jassen-zwart-1822-p-564.html>Moncler Heren omlaag Hooded Jassen zwart 1822 Nieuwste Verkoop Online</a>
<a href=http://rhand.org.tt/Uploads/nike/nike19499.html>nike free 5.0 v4 gym shoes</a>
carpinteyropis November 08, 2014
锘縰ch of that accomplished for some time.

confident the item happen in our next two weeks, Skjonsberg states that.

In the meantime, although, he has those To the west Bend memories, and a few shots to make sure they're in existence.

GF efficiency foreman Monthly bill Harmon with Chamberlain snagged this particular Over 100 lb ., 12 oz . paddlefish on May possibly 5 throughout Ocean Francis Condition about the Missouri River. It all defeats the previous record with One-hundred-twenty kilos, 16 ounces snagged during the Fortification Randall Dam tailrace in May involving Nineteen seventy nine by means of Put on Gregg.

Therefore, the best way which for an extended nosedhog?

The biggest paddlefish My partner and i experienced was obviously a One hundred and eight pounder found during first Nineteen seventies in the Significant Fold Dam tailwaters. That type of had taken the actual air apart, for the blokes wanting to support it all.

Bill Harmon seems as if he or she efficient at having a fairly large bass. Andjudging by the pictures, helooks such as a an affiliate the particular Harmon group I actually knew as a kid, so I certain he'll handle most nearly anything. That is a true blessing, when the pike an individual's lugging weighs about One hundred and twenty-seven pounds.

Profiting from a expanded paddlefish time throughout Francis Circumstance, that has been closed with regard to such as 30 years, Harmon snagged any report setter simply the other day. My spouse and i wondering the guy ended up being underneath Massive Flex. However , paddlers also go up the actual White Waterway this period of the year, and have ever since i would be a toddler. There we were presently there to hide the affects of your essential oil rate of growth for the 2 nights KELOLAND Reports distribute in a few days. And so i begged Erich to download towards a benefit keep during Williston, stating I used to be dry together with necessary a container water.

It just sohappened the fact that easy store has also been an outdoors heart. Who possess realized?

The following the good thing: It was the first day in the paddlefish time of year available online for, which in turn obtained everyone to thinkingback that will '10 anda after that 15 year-old children coming from Dark colo<a href=http://www.life-makmetal.eu/en/license.php?nike-free-50-v5-men-cyan-yellow-p-381.html>Nike Free 5.0 v5 Men Cyan Yellow</a>red Hawk whom smashed the North Dakota talk about paddlefish history on that same exact expand of riv. Used to do an article upon itat the particular timefor my previous company. And even while I really couldn suppose the baby name as i was released to see the story plot to be able to Erich, I was able to understand that this fish considered A hundred thirty weight.

We had merely accomplished writing about the idea if we no

<a href=http://www.life-makmetal.eu/en/license.php?nike-air-max-tr-180-leather-men-women-white-black-pink-p-759.html>Nike Air Max TR 180 Leather Men Women White Black Pink</a>
<a href=http://www.life-makmetal.eu/en/license.php?nike-air-max-95-dyn-fw-women-volt-grey-black-p-771.html>Nike Air Max 95 Dyn FW Women Volt Grey Black</a>
<a href=http://www.life-makmetal.eu/en/license.php?nike-solarsoft-woven-mule-premium-women-red-p-4.html>Nike Solarsoft Woven Mule Premium Women Red</a>
<a href=http://www.life-makmetal.eu/en/license.php?nike-free-run-4-women-blue-orange-p-358.html>Nike Free Run+ 4 Women Blue Orange</a>
<a href=http://www.life-makmetal.eu/en/license.php?nike-air-max-2012-men-black-gold-p-1037.html>Nike Air Max 2012 Men Black Gold</a>
Brownley August 09, 2014
LL Cool J inducted before Rush?? What a sham!!!!!!!
Brownley http://pamaa.net