This time it is more than excitement-it is fear, disbelief, and anxiety over the task ahead. It has been a long time since I've changed a diaper or even fed a baby. Now my husband and I will solely be in charge of this little person. It will be up to us to make sure the baby is well fed, bathed, and healthy. It's a little bit scary, but I'm sure we'll be up for the challenge.
A co-worker of my husbands had a baby boy last week. He met with the work group for a luncheon to say goodbye to a colleague who is leaving the company, and came dragging into the lunch looking somewhat disheveled in jeans and a t-shirt. Apparently, he looked as if he hadn't slept in a week. His wife had a Caesarean Section, so he had to take care of the house, his wife, and the baby. Everyone at the lunch had children and sympathized, while my husband sat listening to all the stories. He shared with me the lesson he learned: no matter what you do, you can never be fully prepared for the awesome responsibility of an infant.
It's funny, because for the last few years I have yearned to have a baby more than anything else, and I would get angry at women who complained about their pregnancy because I figured they should be grateful just to be pregnant. Boy how things change when the shoe is on the other foot! I am eternally grateful and thrilled to be having a child-there is no doubt about that. I feel blessed and lucky. However, I can now understand the irrational emotions that one can feel as well.
Just about every other day this week, I have stared in horror and disbelief at my reflection in the mirror. I have cried and complained to my poor husband and mother, and have vowed to begin a diet as soon as the baby is born. And I'm only 5 months along! Nothing can prepare you for the way your body changes and it is completely out of your control.
I am one of those unlucky women who has more than a perfect little bump in my belly. No, my entire body has widened and expanded, and being 5'3 does not help the situation. I feel like one big blob. When people asked me this week how I felt, I truly wanted to say just that: a big, fat blob, thanks for asking. I think I'd be content to just hide inside my house for the next few months. Unfortunately, that is not possible.
When I told a few people at work how I was feeling, they simply laughed and said, "Oh stop-you're pregnant! It's all baby weight. It'll come back off." Then they succeed at making me feel a little better when they told me that they had gained 50 or 90 pounds with their own pregnancy. It did help?a little.
Last night I had my husband take profile pictures of me, which I vowed to place in my scrapbook. He kept moving me in different angles, and when I looked at the final product, guess what? I threw a fit. I wanted all the horrible pictures deleted, and burst into tears. I guess we'll have to try the pictures again another day. Otherwise I'm going to have one very empty pregnancy scrapbook!
On a positive note, this week I feel the baby moving around a lot more often. Whenever it happens, I feel reassured that he is doing well. It's strange, but I'm beginning to feel like I share this secret bond with the baby. When he kicks, it makes me happy. It's like he's communicating with me. (Yeah, probably telling me he loves the cookies that I'm eating!)
I have started to give a lot of thought to all the items we'll need to purchase in the next few months. Seeing that our shower will be taking place two months from now, it seems about time to start investigating furniture and all the gadgets that come along with child rearing. I went online to look at strollers, car seats, etc. and gave up after a little while. There's so much to choose from, and so many options! How will we know what we're doing? Each time I find something I like, I read the reviews from customers who bought the item, and I'm back to square one. Oh well, maybe I'll save that for another day...